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Thursday, November 24, 2005

 
it's the night before thanksgiving. i'm not going to either family home. i'm at my "home," a location which is to retain that designation for only a few days more. its successor has yet to be positively identified.

i predict that within a year i will have at least shoved a photojournalist; it's possible that i will have punched one. one thing i have learned is that when you are a journalist, rudeness is your default response. i always kind of wondered, "why are these people held in such low regard?" and now, i feel like i have some idea. this is unfortunate because i always kind of wanted to be one. i mean i'm good at being standoffish, but not agressively rude. i dunno.
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Monday, September 12, 2005

 
As usual, nothing much to say here. we all know that wheelbarrow is on extended life support and really just needs michael schiavo to come in and collect the insurance, but I'll post again to get that BTK thing off the top. I went to L.A. for a documentary movie shoot this past weekend and found it disturbingly seductive. While I don't really want to move there (I think), I could see spending a few months per year there. The weather is so nice, and you can see for long distances, and there's hiking and an amoeba... after a few days though I was already starting to get over it. As for the shoot - Ron Jeremy touched my backpack, I brushed Alissa Milano's butt, and I stood within six feet of His Purple Majesty before one of his "people" came to stand between us. Also I hung out on the red carpet and - while kind of disgusted at the paparazzi and ignorant of the identities of most of their targets - got caught up and started yelling shit like "Jamie Lee! Up top! Over your left shoulder!"
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

 
Let's talk current events for a minute. The "BTK" killer was just sentenced to what, like ten consecutive life sentences. I watched as Wolf Blitzer lamented that BTK was getting exactly what he wanted, what with all the attention focused on his sentencing, this comment coming of course in the middle of CNN's hours-long non-stop coverage of the event, complete with guest psychoanalysts. I really believe that Wolf Blitzer is a man of sub-par intelligence.

He was convicted of ten murders, probably commited several more, his M.O. being to bind, torture, and kill - thus the "BTK." What really disturbs me about the case however, is his appellation as "the BTK killer." Let's spell it all out and see how it sounds - "the bind, torture, kill killer." Clearly this is a redundancy; it's like those who say "ATM machine" (who should be bound, tortured and killed IMHO) - it's just wrong.

Murder, schmurder - this is a crime against grammar.
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Friday, July 01, 2005

 
Monark <3 U, LOL!
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

 
sup. here's a 2am throwaway post for you. you know what's gross, but that you don't usually think of as gross? Bobbing for apples. There's a denture ad on tv with Grandma and Grampa bobbing for apples at the fall fair, and yeah, how heartwarming, but what about all the drool they're leaving behind in that bucket, chomping around with their mouths open in what I have to imagine is unchlorinated water. It's like a dog's water bowl, except with geezers instead of dogs. If I ever get invited to go bobbing for apples, I'm going first, or I'm not going at all. eff that, nawmsayin?
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Saturday, May 21, 2005

 
Well, the Nark played our fourth show of '05 last Thursday at the newly opened cake shop in the fab LES. Why just "Nark," you ask? Because we were missing a 'mo, that 'mo of course being Brian Griffin, off on his posh Australian vacation. So it was the mellow Monark jam instead of our usual formula of "weed, feedback & earplugs" (except we don't really smoke much weed, unfortunately). Our hosts (we were "special guests," isn't that sweet?) Nightwatch brought the cinematic loop noise and the dope merch, and a good time (and free beer) was had by all. Actually, probably only the bands got the free beer, but cake shop is a nice place.

This review of Jonathan Safron Foer's new book makes me very happy. It lays out, in a far more scholarly and eloquent manner than I could muster, just exactly why JSF sucks the midget's nutsack. It can't quite explain why everyone shat they draws over Everything Is Illuminated when it was so obviously terrible, but there are some theories presented. If you liked Illuminated, you are gay. And not in the good way.

I've been neglecting the internet lately, not because I don't care about you, my loyal fans, but because, again, I've been hella busy. A couple 70+ hour weeks in a row can really drain one's interest in things like reading Gawker and writing about how you snarfed in the elevator at work or whatever. I've found that drinking has had to stand in for spare time as a means of unwinding. Speaking of drinking and stupid work stories, here's one.

The 50s-ish CFO of the company I sometimes work for took a few of the younger staff out for margaritas after work yesterday, to a bar where the bathrooms are labeled for gender with stylized line drawings - a figure with boobs for the ladies' room, and a figure with cock and balls for the guys. About 4 margaritas in, I tried to explain why I believe that the balls are the closest thing men have to breasts. A girl can flash her boobs in public, and it's not really a big deal (so long as there's no camera crew present), but it's unlikely that she's going to unveil the downstairs goodies just for a laugh. Similarly, I can rest my sack on a guy's forehead at a party for a photo op, no big deal, but if I stick my dick in his mouth, it's a whole different story. I finished that little oration and immediately began cackling uncontrollably as my coworkers looked on in what I can only hope was exaggerated shock and horror. Ah, tequila.

Also, I shook hands with the president of Atlantic records yesterday.
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Saturday, May 07, 2005

 


Sorry about that, kids. I'd like to tell you exactly what I've been up to, but I think I might have signed some sort of confidentiality agreement when I started, so I'll be vague - I've been living in a hotel for the past week, making movies. Also, I believe the word "assistant" is not even part of my title, can you believe it? well. anyway, GTA '05. Monark needs shows hella bad.
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